Have you been attracting narcissists? How do they know who to target?

When most people think of narcissism, they picture someone who is loud, boastful, and openly entitled—someone who commands attention and seeks admiration at every opportunity. But narcissism doesn’t always present itself in such obvious ways. Covert narcissists operate in the shadows, hiding their need for validation behind a carefully crafted image of humility, sensitivity, or victimhood.

Unlike grandiose narcissists, who thrive on dominance, covert narcissists manipulate in more subtle ways. They may appear introverted, misunderstood, or even self-deprecating. They don’t demand admiration outright, but they still crave it. Instead of bragging about their greatness, they elicit sympathy. Instead of controlling others through intimidation, they do so through guilt, passive-aggression, and emotional withdrawal.

A psychological perspective to covert narcissism

Psychologists define narcissistic personality traits as existing on a spectrum, ranging from mild tendencies to full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is characterised by low self-esteem, hypersensitivity to criticism, and a constant need for external validation. Studies suggest that covert narcissists often have a fragile sense of self, compensating for their deep-seated insecurity by playing the victim or subtly manipulating others (Miller et al., 2011).

One of the most fascinating aspects of covert narcissism is how they unconsciously choose the people they bring into their lives. While it might seem like a calculated process, many covert narcissists aren’t fully aware of why they are drawn to certain individuals. Their subconscious naturally guides them toward those who will fulfil their emotional needs while allowing them to maintain their self-image as the misunderstood victim or quiet genius.

Let’s take a closer look at the psychological patterns behind how covert narcissists select their targets, test their boundaries, and why they may not even realise they are doing it.

Who do they target? How do you attract narcissists?

Covert narcissists don’t seek just anyone to enter their emotional orbit. Instead, they gravitate toward people who validate them, accommodate their needs, and overlook their manipulative behaviours, often without realising it. Their ideal target is someone who is emotionally generous, struggles with boundaries, or is driven by a deep need to prove their worth.

The empathetic caregiver providing bottomless emotional support

Sarah has always been the person people turn to for comfort. She’s kind, patient, and deeply empathetic. When she meets David, he seems different from anyone she’s ever known—soft-spoken, introspective, and deeply wounded. He tells her about the many betrayals he’s endured, how no one has ever truly understood him, and how much he wishes he could trust people.

Sarah, moved by his vulnerability, feels an immediate desire to help. She listens attentively, reassures him, and offers her unwavering support. At first, it feels like a meaningful connection—like she is providing something no one else ever has. But over time, she begins to notice that David’s wounds never seem to heal. No matter how much love and encouragement she gives, he remains stuck in a perpetual cycle of self-pity and blame.

What Sarah doesn’t realise is that David is not looking for healing—he is looking for a constant source of validation. The more she invests in him, the more he takes, subtly conditioning her to prioritise his emotions over her own. Her empathy has made her an ideal target, and David, consciously or not, has latched onto her as his emotional caretaker.

The people-pleaser and their willingness to over-carry emotional burdens

Then there’s Jake, the reliable friend and loyal partner. He hates disappointing others and struggles to say “no,” even when he’s exhausted. He prides himself on being dependable, believing that his worth is tied to how much he can give to others.

When Jake meets Lisa, she seems sweet but fragile. She tells him how the world has mistreated her, how exes have abandoned her, how her friends don’t appreciate her, how no one has ever truly been there for her. At first, Jake feels honoured that she trusts him enough to open up. He listens, reassures her, and goes out of his way to make her feel safe.

But before long, Lisa’s emotional needs become overwhelming. She expects him to always be available, and if he isn’t, she makes subtle jabs: “I guess I shouldn’t have expected you to care as much as I do.” If he sets a boundary, she reacts with hurt or withdrawal, making him feel like he’s done something wrong.

Jake, uncomfortable with confrontation, finds himself constantly apologising and prioritising Lisa’s feelings over his own well-being. What he doesn’t realise is that Lisa recognised his reluctance to assert himself and, consciously or not, capitalised on it.

How covert narcissists “test” their targets

Once a covert narcissist identifies someone who meets their emotional needs, they don’t immediately show their true nature. Instead, they test the person’s boundaries to see how much they can get away with.

Love-bombing & mirroring

At first, a covert narcissist will make you feel special. They will mirror your interests, values, and vulnerabilities, making it seem as though you’ve found someone who truly understands you. They build trust quickly, but this is a setup.

Subtle boundary violations

Next, they push small boundaries. A little extra emotional dumping, a guilt-tripping comment, a passive-aggressive jab—to see if you’ll call them out. If you tolerate these behaviours, they escalate, gradually shifting the power dynamic in their favour.

Guilt as a weapon

If you try to establish a boundary, they react with hurt and disappointment. They might say things like:

• “I thought you were different.”

• “I guess I was wrong to trust you.”

• “I should have known you’d leave like everyone else.”

By framing themselves as the victim, they make you feel like the one who has done something wrong.

Do they know what they’re doing?

One of the most complex aspects of covert narcissism is that not all individuals are fully aware of their manipulation. Unlike overt narcissists, who often deliberately seek control, covert narcissists genuinely believe they are victims of an unfair world. However, research suggests that some may be aware of their behaviours and use them strategically to maintain emotional leverage (Pincus & Lukowitsky, 2010). Their self-perception is built on deep insecurity, and they see their behaviours as a form of self-protection rather than manipulation.

This is why covert narcissists repeat the same patterns, attracting the same types of people, without ever understanding why their relationships keep ending in conflict.

Healing and Recovery

If you recognise these patterns in someone close to you, remember:

✔ You are not responsible for fixing someone else’s emotional wounds. ✔ Love should feel like mutual support, not emotional servitude. ✔ You have the right to set boundaries without guilt.

🧍‍♂️How did your personality become shaped this way?

Your personality - especially the traits that make you more susceptible to narcissistic relationships, didn’t develop overnight. It’s often rooted in early life experiences, attachment styles, and subconscious beliefs formed from ages 0-25. Conditioning and survival strategies have now fogged up the real you, masking your self-esteem and confidence - evident in our relationships, friendships and even with family.

The good news? Awareness is your superpower. Learning about yourself on a deeper level is self-fuelling power.

It starts with uncovering the real you that has been buried by defense conditioning.

Join a transformational workshop with Lou to learn how to uncover layers of your personality so you can start living authentically, fulfilled and happy. Tickets here

Hi! I’m Lou, and I’ve helped people just like you break free from the unconscious patterns keeping them stuck. In this interactive workshop, you’ll uncover:

>Your Core Self vs. Your Conditioned Self – Separate your true personality from the adaptations that helped you survive.

>The root of your core pain – Discover the hidden beliefs keeping you trapped and learn how to rewrite them.

>Breaking free from unconscious patterns – Practical tools to reclaim confidence, trust yourself again, and show up as YOU without fear, guilt, or shame.

This is your invitation to step out of survival mode and into a life that’s yours to create. No more living for someone else.

Get your tickets here!

Covert narcissists thrive on emotional enmeshment, but you are not obligated to carry their burdens. The most powerful thing you can do is reclaim your emotional space, trust your instincts, and surround yourself with people who respect your well-being.

References

• Miller, J. D., Dir, A., Gentile, B., Wilson, L., Pryor, L. R., & Campbell, W. K. (2011). Searching for a vulnerable dark triad: Comparing factor 2 psychopathy, vulnerable narcissism, and borderline personality disorder.

• Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.